Daisy's Idyll

I’m suprised how quick and easy I recover from the trip this time, only that it left me with homesick. I miss the warmth, conformt,  and ease of being with families and friends. But I had no time to even show grief to the good time before the chaos pours. It’s alright though. It will probably turn a new page for me.

I turn to poem and 60′s music to slow down the time. Hippie was born in the 60′s, followed by the punk in 70′s. What not to love about that era. Flare jeans, long hair, flowers, boots, blurred stare, these elements pirece my brain. I have to hold my breath sometimes to control the excitment.

Just because I’m listening to a lot of Jim Morrison these days, I have to post some pictures of Pam: A gorgeous girl, a dedicated lover, and a true Hippie. Also died of 27.

I couldn’t help stare at below picture several times today. Somehow, it reminded me of a lot beautiful things, and calmed me down.

I think it’s sending the message of the true spirit of Hippie: Peace, love, and happiness.

Peace, love!

在倒时差的昏昏沉沉中，想起那个任性的孩子，他高高的理想王冠和浆果色的梦。

也许
我是被妈妈宠坏的孩子
我任性

我希望
每一个时刻
都象彩色蜡笔那样美丽
我希望
能在心爱的白纸上画画
画出笨拙的自由
画下一只永远不会
流泪的眼睛

一片天空
一片属于天空的羽毛和树叶
一个淡绿的夜晚和苹果

我想画下早晨
画下露水
所能看见的微笑
画下所有最年轻的
没有痛苦的爱情
她没有见过阴云
她的眼睛是晴空的颜色
她永远看着我
永远，看着
绝不会忽然掉过头去

我想画下遥远的风景
画下清晰的地平线和水波
画下许许多多快乐的小河
画下丘陵——
长满淡淡的茸毛
我让他们挨的很近
让它们相爱
让每一个默许
每一阵静静的春天的激动
都成为一朵小花的生日

我还想画下未来
我没见过她，也不可能
但知道她很美
我画下她秋天的风衣
画下那些燃烧的烛火和枫叶
画下许多因为爱她
而熄灭的心
画下婚礼
画下一个个早上醒来的节日——
上面贴着玻璃糖纸
和北方童话的插图

我是一个任性的孩子
我想涂去一切不幸
我想在大地上
画满窗子
让所有习惯黑暗的眼睛
都习惯光明
我想画下风
画下一架比一架更高大的山岭
画下东方民族的渴望
画下大海——
无边无际愉快的声音

最后，在纸角上
我还想画下自己
画下一只树熊
他坐在维多利亚深色的从林里
坐在安安静静的树枝上
发愣
他没有家
没有一颗留在远处的心
他只有，许许多多
浆果一样的梦
和很大很大的眼睛

我在希望
在想
但不知为什么
我没有领到蜡笔
没有得到一个彩色的时刻
我只有我
我的手指和创痛
只有撕碎那一张张
心爱的白纸
让它们去寻找蝴蝶
让它们从今天消失

我是一个孩子
一个被幻想妈妈宠坏的孩子
我任性

顾城， 1981

It’s one of those days when I turned on computer with my morning coffee and realized the next day means something big in somebody’s life that I almost missed. Of course. The same day every year.

I was stuck with work today, but finally got a little peaceful moment now to enjoy the quietness with the sound of the rain. What could be better?

I cannot get rid of this song of Adele right now. It brings in a lot memories. I’m one of those weird ones who enjoy a little bitter sweet in all love stories. “Sometime it lasts in love, but sometime it hurts instead.” I guess the beauty of love is not all about the happiness, but also about the hardness and sadness that make us grow and become the best of ourselves.

“My feeling towards you has lost its goal, therefore it gradually becomes a lasting journey which i’m taking effortlessly and quietly…Even if it turns to another direction, i won’t be regret, as i will survive anywhere along the way.” I read this before sleep. It’s refreshing and it eased my heart.

Enjoy the song. Enjoy love!

喜欢不期而遇的情感高潮。不是在设定的场景。没有从窗口射进的阳光，没有淡淡的花香或通透的天空，没有准备好的镇定，只是在某个忙碌的瞬间，因为某件简单的事情，情感忽然满溢。这似乎慢慢成了事情发生的一个规律。措手不及却充满期待。内心的冲动与现实的具体进一步融合，又一个可以喜欢这个生活的理由。

周五的午后，办公室，就因为听起了王菲的歌，回忆汹涌而来。

喜欢很多音乐，很多乐队，唯独有这么一个人，想起走过的每一段路，似乎都有她的声音伴在左右。也或许是有关她的消息总是铺天盖地，于是听她音乐的时候难免带着对她生活的揣测和对自己生活的推敲，从而看到一段完整的人生。

我不算接触王菲早的人。刚开始是班上一个同学的推荐。那时刚上初中，那个男孩儿，他说他要当个球星，就能娶了王菲。后来他就真去北京找王菲了。种种这般单纯张狂的梦想，和那群简单快乐的孩子，有时候，真怀念他们。那时的我，剪着短发，画着王菲1997年那张同名专辑上夸张的眼影，在学校联欢会上跳现代舞。张牙舞爪，不可一世。那几年间的王菲，爱情圆满。她唱《童》；她唱“九月里，平淡无聊，一切都好，只缺烦恼”。

1999年，王菲的离婚被炒的沸沸扬扬。那张同年出版的《只爱陌生人》听起来全是对感情的无奈和伤感。她唱：“一个一个偶像，都不外如此。沉迷过的偶像，一个个消失”；她唱：“过眼云烟 好像每一朵云都是你的抱歉，别说再见 已经没有权利义务再去见面”；她唱：“都是因为一路上，大雨曾经滂沱 证明你有来过”； 她唱： “所以对你我未来从未失去期待，我相信你你就是爱，我只能让让你离开；突然间你连瞒都不瞒，想也不想就这麽推翻”。在她黔默的背后，是这样一首一首的歌。

那年我刚上高中，仿佛瞬间开始变的沉默。开始看卡夫卡和杜拉斯，开始接触摇滚，开始喜欢长发披肩的男人和女人，开始和前排的人没完没了的讨论人生价值，仿佛生活可以真的通过脑中的逻辑变的可以理喻些。那时我喜欢趴在3楼的阳台上看下面穿着一模一样校服的人蚂蚁一样行色匆匆。我记得高二的一节体育课，我和朋友坐在冷清清的操场上，听刚刚到手的《预言》，他忽然说 ：“什么王菲，什么高考，都他妈是扯淡！”我突然有种想哭的冲动。同年冬天，我喜欢的男孩去了一个阳光明媚的国度，我默默看着漫天纷飞的雪片和呼出的白气，感到了深深的无奈，我把这样的心情写了下来，题目就叫做《红豆》。“有时候  有时候，我会相信一切有尽头；相聚离开 都有时候，没有什么会永垂不朽。”

似乎和许多人不一样，我比较喜欢王菲后期的作品。她从各种具体的情感描述中抽离出来，仿佛站在一个高点俯瞰过往和众生。歌曲更加包容。少了些强烈的悲喜，多了些成熟后的从容和淡定。2001年的同名专辑曲风有些奇怪，当时褒贬不一。对我来说，那是一张承载着想像的专辑。高中最后一年，疲惫焦躁，但对未来充满了憧憬。当时特别喜欢《流年》开始时那一个仿佛烟花炸裂的声音，那朵在脑海中绽放的烟花寄托了许多对以后自由美好生活的向往。直到后来才发现自由和美好都是些相对的概念。

然后就是2003年的最后一张专辑《将爱》。那年夏天，我和同班另一个女生在大太阳下骑车到老远的理发店剪了个王菲当时的发型，得意的顶着。那盘专辑里，特别喜欢《不留》：“我把心给了你 身体给了他，情愿什么也不留下，再也没有什么牵挂。”一直希望自己也可以这样全身心的生活，恋爱，追求，不留余地，充满生命力。但当时更多的是从自己的小茧中被慢慢拽出，面对生活的种种琐屑，种种束缚，种种不美好，变的习以为常，变的麻木，变的像多年前脑海里那些面目模糊的个体一样。曾经觉得很多人很多事在生命中是不可缺失的，但他们后来还是一个一个消失了。就像《不留》的mv最后，那张面对花开，慌张，不知所措的脸。似乎感觉到美好的东西往往都难以抓住，从而在它到来的时候便心生恐惧。

王菲退出了，复出了，离婚了，结婚了，声线不如前了，老了，等等等等。。。生活还是毫不留情的向前，而我们已经变成了另外的样子。好在还有曾经那些声音，记录当时的心境，当时的自己。

这些似水流年。

I know I have a lot to update for the busy yet exciting Nov. holiday weekend, and also Jackie’s back home week, but I’ll leave it for later, as today I have something more exciting to announce: the start (again) of Dressember!!

It means I’ll be wearing dresses everyday till next year! I mean, dresses, everyday, no skirt, no pants (of course), no one day off! But a lot accessories will be involved as poor me only owns a few dresses and I don’t want to get bored.

Credits are given to this great girl: Blythe Hill (http://blythehill.blogspot.com/) who came up with this neat idea, although I was hesitated to participate in the beginning : I was never a dress lady but a lazy lady. I’ll need to be really creative and brave during December, but I’m looking forward to it As part of the event,  I’ll be posting pictures of me and my dresses, maybe not everyday, but often enough to prove I’m a rule keeper.

See me in a more feminine way! Ready?

xoxo

It’s not only because of the camera, but it seems a habit of me to pick up symbols in life to mark changes.

I guess when things reach the worst point,  you realize you have nothing to lose or be afraid of, and then you’ll take the plunge and have it over. I need a break and a new focus instead of wasting time on the negative aspects of life. I’m still working on fixing a lot problems, but thank you my friends for listening, for thinking of me, for feeding me, for always being there to offer generous helps.

So my first SLRD arrived this Monday!! It’s a Canon T1i. A little old in the line, but since I’m brand new with this camera, don’t think my skill’s going to overshine the capabilities of this little thing for a while.

Here’s a few testing shots on my cats from yesterday:

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Almost a month of not updating. I want to keep recording life and thoughts, but I don’t want to make this place a burden for me on the other hand.

It’s not a period of laziness or tiredness. It’s a period of looking for that thread to straight up things in life. This blunt pain is pounding my chest and hammering my mind. I’m blind and lost. I remember that one time when I kneed down in a empty room, fingers crossed, body shaking, sobbing and praying something out there to guide me through. Here I feel I come back again with all the fear, confusion, loneliness and grief, praying for salvation.

I don’t want to sway the sword like a mad man. I want to be that peaceful girl, gentle, soft and lovely, running like a feather.

Life is throwing too much hardship and violence. I’m trying to survive and fight back,  but blurring the true face of myself. It seems the more I expect, the more despair I get; the more I try to blend in, the more isolated I feel; the more I think, the more confused I am left with; the more I talk, the more loneliness after the shot. Am I asking for too much? Or is there nothing left to be given?

Maybe it’s time to shake off the fragments of mirage, and return to the very simplicity of life. To follow the instinct, the desire. To rebuild after the mass destruction of life.

Today is my first day being the last one leaving office. Remarkable in all different sense isn’t it? I don’t want to leave work at 7:00 on Friday night! Where’s my life! Or is this work side of me and life side of me blending in each other gradually? Am I gonna be a repressed apathetic workabilic bitch?! Boo!

I have to post these pictures from Iowa before I go to bed. It hefts me.

This group was taken from a big empty land close to Jackie’s apt. Uh, how much I miss that sun, that grass, and that happiness of me…

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I know you out there are expecting the updates of Iowa. Well, here’s the myths. Testified.
1. He’s not lying. No cellphone signal in Jackie’s room.

2. Talking about how small the city is: There’s 2 grocery stores in Ames, so people use these two to identify the East and West of the city.

3. You guessed it right! Endless corn and soybean fields. Worst of all is the variety of bugs living in it.

4. Thought you have a big backyard in San Diego? Check out the yards here! You can raise horses!

5. No, sorry ladies, there’s no BMW or Mercedes, Mission Valley, Hollywood, bikini, etc. People use old rusted trailers and tractors to decorate their yards.

6. Be jealous you dumbass living in SD, the 2-bedroom apartment costs $600 in total at Ames!

7. The color of Iowa State is RED AND YELLOW! YAY! Eggery tomato noodles!

Will I move there? You all know the answer.

Do I like there? I’d say: I LOVE it!

I loved the woods and waters, the fresh air, the sun shining through the lush leaves, the early morning frog rising from the endless of crop fields. I love the simpleness and serenity of life that accentuates the joyful little moments passing by every second. I love the friendly, sincere and humble people who are generous of offering helps and concerns.

Well, here I am now, above Michigan river. Feelings cultivated in that little town intertwined with stress in skyscrapers and business suits, and fading. I’m trying to sniff the smell of grass and dirt when lying on hotel bed, but I’m falling asleep before I get a hold of it… I’ll let the pictures speak.

More to come. Stay tuned loves! Good night!

Here’s some pictures taken around Jackie’s apartment:

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今天是第19天一个人生活。胃病稳定，虽然每天还在喝粥。猫活着。阳台上的花苗越长越大。

生活从开始的手忙脚乱，郁郁寡欢，到现在的规律和稳定，一切变的平静。
我喜欢这样的平静。几年前，还在上学的一段时间，就是这样的感觉。生活暂时没什么可担忧的事情，周围相对安静，思想的小苗便开始蓬勃的生长。这种熟悉的感觉让人兴奋。
当周围噪音太多的时候，注意力往往被转移到细小琐碎的事情和慵懒泛滥的情感，而现在，那团黑色的火焰又渐渐清晰起来。他到底意味着什么？贪婪？孤独？爱情？虚假？自我怀疑？或者是所有这些伴随而来的痛苦？我无法逃避他。我是那么熟悉他的味道。我已经准备好用最炙热的情感为他献身。

看王菲演唱《Don’t break my heart》。整个世界仿佛都是她的舞台，而她却只在认真地为一个人歌唱。

“去靠近现实和太阳，去追忆风中的梦”。希望生活可以翻开一个新的篇章。