Daisy's Idyll

难得有个安静的晚上，不知怎么，想起了史铁生，那个在地坛沉静的光芒里，日复一日看着自己身影的人。一转眼，他离开两年多了。

他不是那种让我热血沸腾的精神领袖，他是心中那个静静的声音，随着时间，帮我理清了许多思绪。我曾经无数次的读那篇《我与地坛》，无数次的想象在那个荒芜的园子里进行的激烈思考和上演的种种人间剧本。

“一个人，出生了，这就不再是一个可以辩论的问题，而只是上帝交给他的一个事实；上帝在交给我们这件事实的时候，已经顺便保证了它的结果，所以死是一件不必急于求成的事，死是一个必然会降临的节日。”

既然死的解脱最终可以到来，为什么不在生的时间里最好的感受这个世界。于是生存有了这么一个借口。

尽管活着有时比死亡更痛苦，但人们总是乐此不疲的向脑中的目标前进。人总是需要一个“意义”而活着，可能这个意义到头来只是一个虚设。人生就像是个朝圣的过程，你可以无限度的接近神，却永远无法达到他那里。人生从本质上就带着这么深深的悲哀。

“世上的很多事是不堪说的。你可以抱怨上帝何以要降请这么多苦难给这人间，你也可以为消灭种种苦难而奋斗，并为此享有崇高与骄傲，但只要你再多想一步你就会坠人深深的迷茫了：假如世界上没有了苦难，世界还能够存在么?” “于是就有一个最令人绝望的结论等在这里：由谁去充任那些苦难的角色？又有谁去体现这世间的幸福，骄傲和快乐?”

越到后来，越感到宿命的强大。对许多事的发生和结束，觉得特别无力。像他在活到人生最狂妄的年纪，忽的断了双腿后，他能做什么。像他在刚刚振作起精神时，母亲却忽然离世，他能做什么。人生的磨难，大抵都是如此。我曾经把地坛想作一个神圣的地方，后来我的一个朋友专程为我去了地坛，我清楚地记得他在电话里无奈的声音，他说什么神圣与宁静，不过是一个小商贩的聚集地。这世间许多事，和期望与想象相差的太远，而人，只能无可奈何的妥协和接纳。

然而宿命论不意味着消极的等待。既然生是短暂的，苦难是会随时降临的，那世界的一切“幸福，骄傲和快乐”就如此值得珍惜和用力体会。这或许就是史铁生在短暂的生命里坚强生活的动力。

“设若有一位园神，他一定早已注意到了，这么多年我在这园里坐着，有时候是轻松快乐的，有时候是沉郁苦闷的，有时候优哉游哉，有时候栖惶落魄。” 许许多多的人从生命里经过，但只有那么几个，每当想起时，是直指内心的感动。虽然素未谋面，但内心的距离是如此接近。我常会在一个人的时候，想象那个硕大空旷的园子里，一个小小的，孤独但顽强的身影。这个画面总让人潸然落泪。

2010.12.31. 旧年的最后一天。

I just made the lamb noodle sauce with Grandma’s recipe. It brought up a lot memories.

Like the summer when we were visiting grandma and grandpa at their old house. Everyone was there: My dad, my mom, my two cousins: one at 9, the other at 6. Grandpa loved to gardening. We had a front yard full of fruit trees and this little area at the east corner with fresh seasonal vegetables. We liked to all sit in the yard before it gets dark, open a watermelon, and ate with heck a lot of mess. The smell of fresh fruit, of tree leaves burning in the sun, of dirt splashed by dropped juice, those are the smell of Summer to me, of sun, and of happiness.

It was at that summer when I fell in love with grandma’s lamb sauce noodle. I guess my little cousin boy felt that same. He asked grandma what she put in there to make it taste so awesome. Grandma smiled and said “I put effort in.” He asked:”What ingredient is ‘effort’? I’ve never heard of that!” Then we all laughed. He was the little naughty one who always caused troubles, but I loved him to death. We sneaked out and swam in the drowning river, walked across half of the city to see our newborn nephew without telling anyone, and every time we got caught, he was always trying to take all responsibilities as he is “the man”.

My dad was in a pretty good mood that summer as I can remember. He’s the captain of our kids. He sat us around in the yard under the starry sky and told us amazing stories in ancient history. He laid in the grass with us near the river, and together we sang loudly in the wild. One day, he all of sudden, opened both of his arms pretending he’s a plane, running and jumping across the yard like a kid himself. He had such a young heart within him. He had so much to share.

That was my happiest summer ever! That was 15 years ago. Gosh. Everyone’s face, their voices, are so clear like they’re ironed in my brain just yesterday.

I had no doubt that I’m going to have that summer again, or even a better one, and I’m going to meet everyone soon. Of course! Who would doubt that! But never again were we able to gather together missing no one. Never again were we able to laugh so hard and so much in that yard with no fear and no scare.

Grandpa passed away 2 years later. A few years later, I met my cousin once, that happy and genuine boy, suffering from severe seizure, became so quiet. He never spoke to me for one sentence that time. Then he seems disappeared from my life. I remember I cried so hard after seeing him wondering where did my little hero went. Little did I know that it is only the start of life’s brutal deprivation.

I wasn’t able to get back to that house till my dad’s funeral. All the trees were dead. All the flowers withered. So did the happiest, most loving part of my life. Everything became different from that moment. You thought nothing bad is going to happen to you. Then Boom! The worst!

Then it’s my grandma, laid in the same place. Dead. All of a sudden. With me still thinking to bring her here this summer as my dad wished when he’s already badly sick. With me still have to remind myself when I cooked the lamb sauce that this women who I loved so deeply, who cared and loved me the same, disappeared forever and will never return.

Life is such a heartless thief, sneaking around taking things away without a sound. When you’re still drowned in your precious memories, when you’re planning your future hard, and when you’re hoping to love them more tomorrow, you’re, with no warning, depraved of the chance of doing so. Then you’re left with only the regret and a lifetime agony.

Nothing I can do for the passed ones. I’m just missing you all so much!

Sometimes, a tiny action feels so significant to change life, or change the eye that looks at it.

Maybe I cannot be a knight, a wise, brave and fanatical knight, marching vigorously to his castle of ideal. Then let me be my own poet, singing my minds softly but firmly. Let my emotion floats to somewhere tranquil and clean in a rosy new world.

Maybe I can never understand life, or maybe I don’t even want to. Then let me open my heart to all darkness and beauties of the world, to touch and feel the subtle joy and sadness that fulfill the thirst of life’s most greed, and when I encounter them, I want to sit down quietly, record them with a smile.

Maybe that’s where my enthusiasm sits, not on any visible and specific goal, but on the process of living in and experiencing; not to change a bit of it, but to let them in to enrich my vision and complete my heart. I don’t mind to be less pragmatic, but to let my wildest dream grows.

Revolution doesn’t happen always with massive and sudden destruction. I’d rather take time, breath in, and build it slowly with a graceful attitude.

For what’s the best, there’s always the hope and the tomorrow.

“Ah the salvations of souls
But wisdom we had not
For these people had neither king nor lord
And bowed to no one
For they have lived in their own liberty

It’s such a delight to watch them dance
Free of sacrifice and romance
Free of all the things that we hold dear
Is that clear Your Excellency?
And I guess it’s time to go but
I gotta send you just a few more lines
From the New World”
——Pitti Smith

What happened?! It’s almost September?! That sounds aweful!

But you know what, i’m liking the gloomy days with a little drizzle these days. summer has been boiling, sweaty and twitchy. some chilly breeze is much wanted. i don’t see falling leaves here, but i remember back home, the street will be covered with crispy dry leaves in Oct. and i’d put on my warm hat and boots stepping on them purposely to hear them cracking and die. i know, it’s still early for falling leaves, but i can smell them already, and i cannot wait for the cold season to come.

my timeline this year has pretty much followed the seasonal change. a stressful, boiling and somehow filthy summer. changes, decisions, struggles, one after another, jittering and exciting, but it’s about time to rest and move on.

winter means a lot to me, or meant, before i moved to somewhere that has no winter said. it means putting on layers of clothes, and with layers of clothes comes the easier way to dress in a better manner. it means hot soup, steamy hot. picturing a hot soup in my mind brings so much warmth and comfort, and most of the time, in that picture, there’s always a family sitting around a table sharing that big bowl of steamy hot soup, next to them, a fireplace with dancing flame. it means snow, people cuddle in blankets, reading, digging in old pictures, or doing nothing but staring at the beautiful falling snow. plenty of time to think, and plan for next summer. i like it when time slows down, and i’m not pushed to the next mission. i’d enjoy some time with family and friends, chatting, with no one hurries to the next party. i’d read a book quietly, take down some notes, drink hot tea, and with layers of clothes, no one would even know how i look like. attention is on the substance. that’s what i like about winter.

well, it’s the end of summer.

如果我们是一对情人，我们之间的距离是不是只要一个拥抱就能填满呢？还是说，每个人都无法排解这份寂寞呢？

为了好好珍惜最喜欢的东西，忍耐是必要的，但为什么神要把人，打造成越喜欢一样东西就越无法忍耐的样子呢？神，是恶魔吗？

梦想实现和得到幸福，为什么不是相等的事情呢？我到现在都还是不明白啊。

如果有来世，我宁愿当鱼，只有我跟莲两个人，畅游在小小的水族箱中。

到最后，谁都是孤独的吧，即使怎么靠近，都无法连成一体。

I’m suprised how quick and easy I recover from the trip this time, only that it left me with homesick. I miss the warmth, conformt,  and ease of being with families and friends. But I had no time to even show grief to the good time before the chaos pours. It’s alright though. It will probably turn a new page for me.

I turn to poem and 60′s music to slow down the time. Hippie was born in the 60′s, followed by the punk in 70′s. What not to love about that era. Flare jeans, long hair, flowers, boots, blurred stare, these elements pirece my brain. I have to hold my breath sometimes to control the excitment.

Just because I’m listening to a lot of Jim Morrison these days, I have to post some pictures of Pam: A gorgeous girl, a dedicated lover, and a true Hippie. Also died of 27.

I couldn’t help stare at below picture several times today. Somehow, it reminded me of a lot beautiful things, and calmed me down.

I think it’s sending the message of the true spirit of Hippie: Peace, love, and happiness.

Peace, love!

在倒时差的昏昏沉沉中，想起那个任性的孩子，他高高的理想王冠和浆果色的梦。

也许
我是被妈妈宠坏的孩子
我任性

我希望
每一个时刻
都象彩色蜡笔那样美丽
我希望
能在心爱的白纸上画画
画出笨拙的自由
画下一只永远不会
流泪的眼睛

一片天空
一片属于天空的羽毛和树叶
一个淡绿的夜晚和苹果

我想画下早晨
画下露水
所能看见的微笑
画下所有最年轻的
没有痛苦的爱情
她没有见过阴云
她的眼睛是晴空的颜色
她永远看着我
永远，看着
绝不会忽然掉过头去

我想画下遥远的风景
画下清晰的地平线和水波
画下许许多多快乐的小河
画下丘陵——
长满淡淡的茸毛
我让他们挨的很近
让它们相爱
让每一个默许
每一阵静静的春天的激动
都成为一朵小花的生日

我还想画下未来
我没见过她，也不可能
但知道她很美
我画下她秋天的风衣
画下那些燃烧的烛火和枫叶
画下许多因为爱她
而熄灭的心
画下婚礼
画下一个个早上醒来的节日——
上面贴着玻璃糖纸
和北方童话的插图

我是一个任性的孩子
我想涂去一切不幸
我想在大地上
画满窗子
让所有习惯黑暗的眼睛
都习惯光明
我想画下风
画下一架比一架更高大的山岭
画下东方民族的渴望
画下大海——
无边无际愉快的声音

最后，在纸角上
我还想画下自己
画下一只树熊
他坐在维多利亚深色的从林里
坐在安安静静的树枝上
发愣
他没有家
没有一颗留在远处的心
他只有，许许多多
浆果一样的梦
和很大很大的眼睛

我在希望
在想
但不知为什么
我没有领到蜡笔
没有得到一个彩色的时刻
我只有我
我的手指和创痛
只有撕碎那一张张
心爱的白纸
让它们去寻找蝴蝶
让它们从今天消失

我是一个孩子
一个被幻想妈妈宠坏的孩子
我任性

顾城， 1981

It’s one of those days when I turned on computer with my morning coffee and realized the next day means something big in somebody’s life that I almost missed. Of course. The same day every year.

I was stuck with work today, but finally got a little peaceful moment now to enjoy the quietness with the sound of the rain. What could be better?

I cannot get rid of this song of Adele right now. It brings in a lot memories. I’m one of those weird ones who enjoy a little bitter sweet in all love stories. “Sometime it lasts in love, but sometime it hurts instead.” I guess the beauty of love is not all about the happiness, but also about the hardness and sadness that make us grow and become the best of ourselves.

“My feeling towards you has lost its goal, therefore it gradually becomes a lasting journey which i’m taking effortlessly and quietly…Even if it turns to another direction, i won’t be regret, as i will survive anywhere along the way.” I read this before sleep. It’s refreshing and it eased my heart.

Enjoy the song. Enjoy love!

喜欢不期而遇的情感高潮。不是在设定的场景。没有从窗口射进的阳光，没有淡淡的花香或通透的天空，没有准备好的镇定，只是在某个忙碌的瞬间，因为某件简单的事情，情感忽然满溢。这似乎慢慢成了事情发生的一个规律。措手不及却充满期待。内心的冲动与现实的具体进一步融合，又一个可以喜欢这个生活的理由。

周五的午后，办公室，就因为听起了王菲的歌，回忆汹涌而来。

喜欢很多音乐，很多乐队，唯独有这么一个人，想起走过的每一段路，似乎都有她的声音伴在左右。也或许是有关她的消息总是铺天盖地，于是听她音乐的时候难免带着对她生活的揣测和对自己生活的推敲，从而看到一段完整的人生。

我不算接触王菲早的人。刚开始是班上一个同学的推荐。那时刚上初中，那个男孩儿，他说他要当个球星，就能娶了王菲。后来他就真去北京找王菲了。种种这般单纯张狂的梦想，和那群简单快乐的孩子，有时候，真怀念他们。那时的我，剪着短发，画着王菲1997年那张同名专辑上夸张的眼影，在学校联欢会上跳现代舞。张牙舞爪，不可一世。那几年间的王菲，爱情圆满。她唱《童》；她唱“九月里，平淡无聊，一切都好，只缺烦恼”。

1999年，王菲的离婚被炒的沸沸扬扬。那张同年出版的《只爱陌生人》听起来全是对感情的无奈和伤感。她唱：“一个一个偶像，都不外如此。沉迷过的偶像，一个个消失”；她唱：“过眼云烟 好像每一朵云都是你的抱歉，别说再见 已经没有权利义务再去见面”；她唱：“都是因为一路上，大雨曾经滂沱 证明你有来过”； 她唱： “所以对你我未来从未失去期待，我相信你你就是爱，我只能让让你离开；突然间你连瞒都不瞒，想也不想就这麽推翻”。在她黔默的背后，是这样一首一首的歌。

那年我刚上高中，仿佛瞬间开始变的沉默。开始看卡夫卡和杜拉斯，开始接触摇滚，开始喜欢长发披肩的男人和女人，开始和前排的人没完没了的讨论人生价值，仿佛生活可以真的通过脑中的逻辑变的可以理喻些。那时我喜欢趴在3楼的阳台上看下面穿着一模一样校服的人蚂蚁一样行色匆匆。我记得高二的一节体育课，我和朋友坐在冷清清的操场上，听刚刚到手的《预言》，他忽然说 ：“什么王菲，什么高考，都他妈是扯淡！”我突然有种想哭的冲动。同年冬天，我喜欢的男孩去了一个阳光明媚的国度，我默默看着漫天纷飞的雪片和呼出的白气，感到了深深的无奈，我把这样的心情写了下来，题目就叫做《红豆》。“有时候  有时候，我会相信一切有尽头；相聚离开 都有时候，没有什么会永垂不朽。”

似乎和许多人不一样，我比较喜欢王菲后期的作品。她从各种具体的情感描述中抽离出来，仿佛站在一个高点俯瞰过往和众生。歌曲更加包容。少了些强烈的悲喜，多了些成熟后的从容和淡定。2001年的同名专辑曲风有些奇怪，当时褒贬不一。对我来说，那是一张承载着想像的专辑。高中最后一年，疲惫焦躁，但对未来充满了憧憬。当时特别喜欢《流年》开始时那一个仿佛烟花炸裂的声音，那朵在脑海中绽放的烟花寄托了许多对以后自由美好生活的向往。直到后来才发现自由和美好都是些相对的概念。

然后就是2003年的最后一张专辑《将爱》。那年夏天，我和同班另一个女生在大太阳下骑车到老远的理发店剪了个王菲当时的发型，得意的顶着。那盘专辑里，特别喜欢《不留》：“我把心给了你 身体给了他，情愿什么也不留下，再也没有什么牵挂。”一直希望自己也可以这样全身心的生活，恋爱，追求，不留余地，充满生命力。但当时更多的是从自己的小茧中被慢慢拽出，面对生活的种种琐屑，种种束缚，种种不美好，变的习以为常，变的麻木，变的像多年前脑海里那些面目模糊的个体一样。曾经觉得很多人很多事在生命中是不可缺失的，但他们后来还是一个一个消失了。就像《不留》的mv最后，那张面对花开，慌张，不知所措的脸。似乎感觉到美好的东西往往都难以抓住，从而在它到来的时候便心生恐惧。

王菲退出了，复出了，离婚了，结婚了，声线不如前了，老了，等等等等。。。生活还是毫不留情的向前，而我们已经变成了另外的样子。好在还有曾经那些声音，记录当时的心境，当时的自己。

这些似水流年。

I know I have a lot to update for the busy yet exciting Nov. holiday weekend, and also Jackie’s back home week, but I’ll leave it for later, as today I have something more exciting to announce: the start (again) of Dressember!!

It means I’ll be wearing dresses everyday till next year! I mean, dresses, everyday, no skirt, no pants (of course), no one day off! But a lot accessories will be involved as poor me only owns a few dresses and I don’t want to get bored.

Credits are given to this great girl: Blythe Hill (http://blythehill.blogspot.com/) who came up with this neat idea, although I was hesitated to participate in the beginning : I was never a dress lady but a lazy lady. I’ll need to be really creative and brave during December, but I’m looking forward to it As part of the event,  I’ll be posting pictures of me and my dresses, maybe not everyday, but often enough to prove I’m a rule keeper.

See me in a more feminine way! Ready?

xoxo